my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
