you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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