dude i'm inner monologue high
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
