youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
