When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
