I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Come see our sink grown plant.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize