I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
