I have demons in me.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
