I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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