Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize