yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
