Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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