I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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