Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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