I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
