i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
