just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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