he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
