I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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