totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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