Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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