So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
