Jerry, you need to find god
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
pop tarts are not kleenex
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
