im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
