my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize