it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
