A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
