I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
