Will you blow on my dice?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
