So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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