Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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