textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
