I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
