Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Pooping to opera.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
