I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
