Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
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