let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
