Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
