My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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