I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
