After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
