can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
