Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
