My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
