Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize