sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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