She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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