Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
