Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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