I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
