when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
