I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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