You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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