sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
