I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
4 words: hood of his car
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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