i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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