they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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