a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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