A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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