i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize