Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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