I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
