I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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