He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
