so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the condom got lost in my hair
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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