You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
