Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
