My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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